Putting the happy back in my life
Saturday, October 11, 2008, 7:52 PM
Looking for a happy PC blog post? Skip this one.
I posted this last night, then pulled it this morning. Then I decided to post it again because what the hell? Nobody can condemn me for being who I am, or what I do, more than I can and do.
So, um, I think it's auspicious that the post I saved as a DRAFT on Frustration is gone, gone, gone. It was phew-stinky and maudlin and made my shoulders slump when I wrote it. When I read back over it and thought about posting it, I shook my head and saved it as a DRAFT to be posted in the year 2020 or something.
Where did it go? Should I add it to my list and obsess over its absence?
Over the past few months, I have done the following:
! Weaned myself off of anti-depressants
This was a hard one. I am here to tell you that yes, you CAN feel a difference.
I am quicker to anger. I am woefully and inconveniently prone to tears over the dumbest things. I am again jumping in terror at bugs crawling across my desk. It's all in my imagination. My idiot imagination.
Oops, that's counter-productive.
But I don't feel the anti-depressants are necessary because I did not address the issues while I was on the medication. (Call them issues, not problems, it's ever so much more uplifting.) So the medication helped to dull paranoia, anger and funkism, but didn't motivate me to deal with whatever was causing those things. Which I'm sure is a character flaw, and my resistance to anything that involves soul searchism.
Somebody pass me a Twix.
A Twix candy bar will keep me chewing and chewing...and make me forget what upset me so much that I felt I had to say something. A Twix candy bar will stop me. Who can talk with chocolately caramel exerting its natural gravitational pull? I can't talk if I can't separate my molars.
Better get yourself together, darlin'. Join the human race. Pretty soon you're going to be dead.
:-( I ate lots of cheese
Cheese is good with wine. I like cheese. So much so that I regained the 20 pounds I'd lost. Who created cheese anyway, dammit? I don't think I'd mind wrapping my fingers around the neck of the person who created edible mold.
! Cut down on alcohol
I don't really want to talk about this one. It smacks too heavily of the advice I used to give my sister, in that I used to tell her to avoid alcohol when she was depressed because alcohol makes things seem even worse. Alcohol is a depressant.
So if I haven't been writing lately, these are a few reasons why. I've written blog entries, but didn't like the end results. I feel like I should be enjoying freedom and barfing rainbow-colored optimism, but I can't help wanting to draw close my defenses, one of which is silence. Which does no damned good for anyone.
Another is laughter and could maybe do some good, as long as I take the time to post. So when I don't post, I'm grateful when the rest of you do. Meanwhile, I'm trying to put the happy back in my life. It's an uneasy, bumpy journey. Long. Uneven. I'm at the top of the crest, then I'm gone because I've sunk into one of those unexpected friggen-fargen dips I didn't see ahead of me.
Yeah. It is what it is. I wish I knew the secret to accepting exactly who I am. I wish I knew how to forgive myself for life not turning out the way I expected it would. And I wish all these insights would burst upon me now, 'cause life would be so much easier to face then.