How Not to be a Blog Writer
Tuesday, October 12, 2010, 8:05 PM
First, make sure you have a mostly-neglected blog/journal/website. If there's a post older than six months on the first page, you're off to a promising start. Five or more broken links and you're a slacker-stah!
Make up creative excuses. Like how the only good ideas come when you're in the shower, or busy fighting off a one-eyed green alien from trying to stick that thermometer up your butt, or too drunk to type. Th vwls n yr kybrd r stck. Your office chair exploded, Keanu Reeves wants to share a cupcake with you, your concentration is shot to hell because the washing machine ate one of your favorite fuzzy blue socks.
Rack up quarter-finished posts. Don't delete them. Keep them all. Maybe they'll be enough to make up a whole post one day. (Oops, wait. That's being counterproductive if you're working on not blogging. But still...there's definitely merit in seeing those unpublished posts that's good at squashing the start of a new one.) START AND STOP, START AND STOP, LOSE YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT, OH JUST GIVE UP ALREADY.
Don't comment at other blogs. If you respond to someone's blog post, chances are good that they're going to expect to find a new something-something on your blog. It's like when you're hiding in the linen closet during Timmy's birthday party, but you eventually have to pee, and your aunt catches you on the way to the bathroom. And then you have to go and sing to the kid because it's just rude if you don't.
Embrace your inner slug. You lead a boring life. Laundry piles and doggy doo on the sidewalk give you headaches. Your grocery store doesn't carry chocolate Cheerios anymore. You Google why Pepto Bismal is pink because of that stupid Target commercial, wonder how long a snail's life is, if spirits of the dead watch you in the bathroom, and when you'll ever win the DAMN LOTTERY. Nothing to write about, see?
Talk to imaginary people. You can do this internally, anytime, any where. Those people will think you're an intelligent riot no matter how many thoughts you don't fin
Read The Hunger Games. Two more books come after that one. A movie, too. Immerse yourself in a new world so you can forget the stress of a non-updated blog.
Eat spaghetti instead. That stuff's good. No typing required. Not much thought, either, beyond deciding how much pasta to boil. One finger? Two?
That's it! Repeat steps above as needed.