L.A. chronicals
Thursday, December 15, 2005, 8:04 PM

I know how amazed, amused and aghast people are at my bus experiences. Sandra said once that I should do a series. And someone else suggested a bathroom series. Well, this is your lucky day because I have both, brief though they are.

Contain yourself. I know it's hard, what with all the excitment and all.


Someone didn't flush the toilet twice today. The first time I held my breath, flushed the john, then dashed into the next stall. The next time, I swore. A bathroom is a good place to curse if you're going to because a bathroom is already dirty and a good string of swear words has a certain elan.


Tonight while waiting for the bus, I heard another singer. It wasn't Christmas songs this time, but Christian music. Because we were standing outside, the singer was also a dancer. And man, he was really getting into it. Every time I glanced his way to see if the bus comith yet, his voice got louder.

On the bus home tonight, I heard an intermittent rumbly sound. It was soft, then not so soft, then crackly. And then I heard a pop! gasp! and thought that it was the bus farting. But no. It was a sleeping man with an alarming form of ... sleep apnea, I guess.

The bus driver, the same gal who drove last night, likes to talk to drivers.

"Yeah. I saw you, but I'm the bus."


"Uh huh. You're an idiot."


"What are you looking at?" Honk, honk. "Back at 'cha, punk."

There's always much hard braking. Go-go-go and stop! It's one of the reasons why I go pee before I leave because one day, the bus I'm on is going to be in a traffic accident. Never a dull moment. Which is fine with me, as long as my bladder isn't full.

When I got off the bus, two men were snoring. Loudly. So loudly, in fact, that if they had fallen asleep in my living room and I was trying to hear the T.V., I'd have to say boo. Blows my mind that they can sleep on one of those noisy busses, but there you go. Anything is possible. Especially in L.A.

5 Did the Unhingey Jiggy Engage in Unhingenosity
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