Saturday, July 29, 2006, 6:26 PM
A horn player woke me up this morning. It was almost nine thirty, so it I was okay with getting up, but the screeching sound of the horn made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It was perfectly awful and made me laugh once I realized what the sound belonged to.
Who was behind this rotten blowing? Some tone-dead guy in his mid-thirties with band aspirations? An old horn player who'd recently undergone mouth surgery, who was trying to get back into practice? A teenager being forced at gunpoint? It could have been any of the three as far as I'm concerned.
But I'm not really. Concerned. About anything. Which might be my salvation or my damnation, but do I care? Sometimes. No, not really. It differs from day-to-day. Maybe from moment-to-moment. I still haven't blossomed after the feel like dying part of my life yet. I haven't come to terms with everything I feel like I'm missing, or have lost. There are the moments I think I have, and then there are the moments that let me know no way, Jose, you're fooling yourself.
And so my life continues in suspense. I still feel as if I'm not where I belong, or doing what I am meant to do. I worry that I used up the last of my courage in moving from Indiana to Los Angeles. What if this is the most I can expect from now on? What if I never feel like the girl I used to feel like again? What happened to the rest of my courage, the non-adrenalin-fed parts that are supposed to help me endure the rest of my life? It would be such a waste if I left something personally crucial on that United Flight from Chicago to LAX.
I wonder all the time what I'm doing with my life. Is this all there is to it? Work, eat, sleep, regret? Would things be different for me in Indiana? And will I ever recapture that feeling I used to have that I was meant for something more? I know it's up to me in the end, but I'm not the girl I used to be. I'm a rough, new me in skin that isn't the right fit yet.