Dang, are you there, God?
Thursday, April 24, 2008, 9:26 PM
* I've noticed that my story characters are always saying oh God. I wonder what this means?
If Thou don't repent soon, thou be damned. And stop bothering-ith Me. Every time thou think or write oh, God, it's an infringement on My tyme.
* Why is the warning May cause drowsiness printed on sleeping pill bottles?
Thou dost not often operate at full brain capacity.
* The lid on my jug of milk is stuck. It wont friggen budge. I tore off the lip, just like you're supposed to in the real world, and had a bowl of Cherrios. A day later I tried to unscrew the lid on the jug and all it did was spin. I tried popping the lid off, sawing it off with a steak knife, and threatening it with blue lingo. I can't get it off.
The milk be tainted. Drink it and thou shalt regret it, sinner.
* I wonder if it's somehow noteworthy that I've had two TVs die in the last six months. Maybe it's another sign from You?
Watching television is a lazy sin. Thou shalt be sharing thou's talent with others. Only in a MUCH less sinful way.
I type 74 words a minute while less-than-sober.
Thou hath no idea, sinner, until thou have had to chisle thou's message in stone.
* Almost every day on my way home, I see the elderly lady with the cane. Small step, cane klunk. Small step, cane clunk. For every one step I take, she takes three. She wears a scarf around her head like I remember my Grandma doing when it rained in the seventies, no matter how hot it is. There's just something about this elderly lady that worries me. I always have a smile for her, but she rarely raises her head to meet my eyes.
She is thou's Guardian Angel on borrowed tyme. I don't know why We botherith.
* Why couldn't I just have been born a genius?
Thou barely made slug status last century, sinner.
* Sometimes my kitchen faucet goes drip, drip, drip and I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing to make it stop. It doesn't happen all the time--not even most of the time. So what makes it happen at all?
'Tis the locusts or the faucet drip. Repent now, sinner.
* I often wonder if I can force myself to be optimistic--to see the good side of something scary, sad or personally inciteful. And if I manage to project this image, would I feel as weak as I perceive the eternal optimists to be?
Thou must find thou's own answers. Don't involve Me.
* I cannot tell the difference between a Puffs kleenex or a Kleenex kleenex.
Thou talents lie in other areas.