When push comes to shove
Saturday, January 14, 2006, 7:18 PM
I'm a quiet person. Unobtrusive, considerate, wanting to please and in a lot of instances, wanting to be as little noticed in public as possible. That's my personality. Attention, especially when I am unhappy, is difficult for me. I don't ask for a lot, I don't want a lot. Lately, I'd settle for peace of mind, but I haven't had that for over a year now.
One of the things about me is that I can take a lot of shit. I'm good at enduring. I might cry a lot, I might bitch, I might withdraw from friends and family for a time, but I'm good at blocking out painful stuff and trying to make the best of things until I eventually I hit bottom. I deal with things when I'm ready to deal with them and nothing anyone says or does can make me face what I need to before I'm ready. I think that's true of everyone.
I've been enduring life in LA for over seven months now. Nothing is as I imagined it would be. I knew I would have a difficult time of it, but I didn't know it would be this difficult. I am a smaller city girl in a huge city bursting with ... everything. I still feel like I'm in a dream I'm going to awaken from. The massive number of people here terrifies me because it's chaos in LA on a good day. On a bad day, I'm afraid to even imagine what kind of hell being here will be. Sometimes I wake up at night and wonder how I'll cope if there is bad earthquake. LA is a scary place to be for a single girl. I don't want to grow old here.
I've read back through my posts over the past eight months or so and I see my downward spiral. I see a sad, almost bitter girl between the words. I never thought I would feel this way, and I have for too long. I'm doing something about it, though. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and I'm taking medication. I'm feeling better, but it's still not enough.
It's not enough because I'm not good at ignoring inconsiderate people. I'm really not good at being at being railroaded and I'm definitely not good when I'm deliberately antagonized. So I'm in a push and shove kind of situation right now on top of everything else. But when it's over, I know I'm going to feel a kind of relief that I haven't felt in a long time. Fighting for what I believe in and need has been difficult, but also rewarding because I've not been in that position for a long time. When I was married to Ken, he made that kind of thing easy. It wasn't fair for me to rely on him that way, but I did.
Now if I could just decide on whether or not I want to give LA another chance. I'm torn and have been for months. It will be cheaper and easier to stay in LA, but I can't help longing for the familiar sights and roads of Fort Wayne. Is the grass greener? I know it isn't right now because it's winter, but I made a list of Pros and Cons about staying and going, and it's about equal in all four boxes.
If I had more money, though, I'd go back to Fort Wayne in a heartbeat. Then again, maybe that's just an excuse. I don't know.