Toilet Seat Zen?
Friday, March 31, 2006, 8:28 PM
To raise or not to raise ... that is the effing question.
For the last month, I've kept the toilet seat lid up.
I've let the bad toilet Zen run amuck in my apartment. I don't know why. It just seemed the thing to do. But maybe that always-upright, cream colored plastic orb is testamount to those weird sexual dreams that leave me gasping and unfulfilled, my missing orange sock, and the fact that my grocery store never has a bottle of Nair to sell.
Since I'm clearly over run by bad toilet Zen, I think I should be exempt for any and all bad behavior. For at least a month.
That said, you have to know how inconvenient it is to lift the toilet lid and then to lower the toilet lid after you're done. It's bad enough wasting time going pee. At four seconds a pee/pop and at six times a day per bathroom visit, that's 24 seconds a day, 168 seconds a week. That's three minutes a week, and a half hour a month.
I say reclaim that time! Zen, schmen. You can save a life in less than three minutes. Or commit murder, it's entirely up to you, but dammit. You should at least have the choice.
Anyone who doesn't agree with me clearly ... obviously ... must be intimidated by me.
Because there couldn't possibly be another explanation. Nope. Nope.
This message brought to you by Unhiingism, where all mistakes, stupid misunderstandings, crazy miscommunications, lapses in attention, bad odor, burnt turkey and bad jokes can be laid to rest at the doorstep of Ego. T. Izzim.
Which means anyone practicing Unhiingism automatically has carte-blanche.
Stay tuned for more lessons.
New members welcome. New members encouraged.
Also, ass kissing.