Death in the mirror
Thursday, March 22, 2007, 9:44 PM
Oh, forget the Spiderman hero crap.
Have you ever tried to prepare yourself for the death of your husband, wife, sister, mother, brother, best friend ... by acting it out? By trying to "hear" and "deal" with the news of their passing?
I'm not sure when it started, but these painful eventualities first presented themselves in my dreams three or four years ago. I'd wake up in the dark of night short of breath, feeling that the ground below me had turned into liquid mercury, feeling terrified and lost. I'd wake up thinking Oh my God, someday _____________ is going to die. It was like I was thrown forward in a life where I couldn't function.
A few times after these dreams happened, I began to think that maybe I could prepare myself, that maybe I could learn to swallow the worst of my pain when faced with the reality, that I could present a brave front ... because what are dreams for if not to warn me of what's to come?
I'm not sure how I got the idea--I don't know where the most the crap from my brain comes from, maybe from the organic Rice Crispies--but I started looking in the mirror to see how I handled the worst life could throw at me. My sister's death makes me look guilty. My father's death makes me look like a stone. Ken's death used to make me look like a gaping fish, and I'd have to drink a lot of water to replace what I lost through my nose. I was never able to see my face at the thought of Buddy's death (my orange kitty boy). Oogie's death made my eyes red and puffy, made my head ache, made me feel the absolute worst.
Okay, the depression part of this was supposed to be less at this point. I was supposed to be laughing now. This is a kind of funny thing I do, trying to act out the loss of my loved ones to see how well I might deal with it all ... but the truth is that there is no way I can prepare myself. And I wish I could.
This was supposed to be a funny post. A funny post. A funny post.