Firsts: Heels
Tuesday, March 13, 2007, 7:13 PM

It’s sad, but I’ll never be the kind of girl who stands on three-inch-high heels over someone else to demand threateningly (and sexily), “What did you say?”

Because I’d like to, you know. I’ve always had a fascination with sexay heels. I remember the first pair I ever wore—they were brown suade straps and belonged to my friend’s mother, whose foot size I shared. I was thirteen years old, not allowed to wear makeup or heels, not allowed to say the word damn--I was actually pressing my luck by saying darn--and I only made $5.00 allowance a week. Who knows what Oogie would have done if she’d seen me under all of that purple eyeshadow and teetering on kiss-me-gently pumps. I’m only here to share the tale today because my girlfriend’s mother was a pastor’s wife and so didn’t own fuck me pumps, and because reading this entry will be the first my mother knows I ever did this.

Heh, heh.

It’s been years since that day at the mall, but I still remember the horrah of wearing heels. I got a good taste of what was in store for my feet just on the walk from the car to the mall entrance when I lost the feeling of sophisticated sexosity on the side of the curb, which somehow shrank back from my shoe and made me stumble and look like an ox. Thank God I didn't fall, because we went in through the theater doors, which were right next to the arcade ... which was where all the boys hung out. Apparently heels only looked light and graceful. Apparently they hurt like hell. I didn't know how anyone could last a day in them (still don't).

Not long after that, I decided I was better off without heels. And so I took the shoes off and carted them around by their straps, wearing holes in my Legg’s nylons and setting new beauty standards for teenaged girls everywhere. But what a rude awakening it was. I couldn’t even be bad and like it.

Them thar are Victoria's Secrets anklestrap wedge sandles, bargain price: $58

3 Did the Unhingey Jiggy Engage in Unhingenosity
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