Friday, March 02, 2007, 7:12 PM
Buying power? What buying power? I don't have any yet. Someone's been dragging his feet at the mortgage company. Guess I'll find out how much I can afford on a condo on Monday. (Which is okay, I'm not planning a move for at least another six months.)
Sometimes when I'm sitting in a chair, I'll stare down at my thighs and wish that they wouldn't spread out that far. I remember first noticing this in the seventh grade, probably when my thighs were little more than sticks. But I used to raise my legs up (while sitting) until I was on my toes so my thighs wouldn't spread out, so I wouldn't look fat.
My black Mary Jane sneakers rubbed my ankles raw on the way to work this morning. Every step I took, I was saying ow, ow, ow in my mind until I made myself stop because focusing on the pain was making it worse. So I thought about being spanked instead.
I think Depeche Mode's Michael Hutchinson (who's dead now) is the most sexy male singer I've ever heard. His voice makes my pulse do the funky chicken. sigh
Uh, no to whoever did the search for Should I tip the Vons delivery man? Vons says they don't accept tips, even though they won't hire the delivery guys full time ... which means no benefits. However, they do say the delivery men can accept gratitude and smiles. I say give 'em a Coke and smile. Unless they're an hour late, that is, then give 'em a bottle of water and pretend to swallow a story of backup delivery woes because after all, you don't really know and traffic in LA does suck eggs.
I am so glad I'm not in relationship. I don't have to worry about misunderstandings, losing my temper or of someone losing his temper with me, there's no worry about someone else, and I am free to do what I want when I want. It's liberating. Lonely sometimes, but then I am not faced with an emotional situation that makes my body want to devour itself from the inside out. Which is what relationships tend to make me feel.
Sometimes I feel like Fate is sending me in the footsteps of my past mistakes by making me confront those same mistakes in others. It's eye-opening and humbling and gives me a greater sensitivity and understanding about the pain of someone else's anger and misunderstanding. But it still hurts, still makes me tremble in fear and shame like a scared little kid being scolded in front of the entire third grade class.
I'm learning. Growing. Accepting. Acclimating. Today, I am at peace with the girl inside. And tomorrow, I will do the laundry.