Bona fide Drunken Character Sketches
Tuesday, January 16, 2007, 6:56 PM

Under the best of circumstances, Andi is vertically challenged. In a pair of flat-heeled boots and with four glasses of wine in her bloodstream, she’s a menace to anyone within three feet.

She doesn’t remember a thing, but her friends say she fell backwards for no damn reason at all, then pitched forward--like she was on a boat at high seas--with a jerk that made the wine in her glass do a tie-dye imitation on the white shirt of some poor guy who had the bad judgement to stand in front of her at The Killers Concert on New Year’s Eve. The guy whipped around, saw her and shrugged. He half-pulled the shirt off and turned it around backwards. Two minutes later, Andi and the guy were in the throes of Mack City because, as the guy told Andi later, one of her friends told him to "go for it, she needs it."

Moral of the story? Don’t drink and stand around in a crowd.

Or DO.


Em had only been camping three times in her life (back when she was a Girl Scout), but peeing in the rough was like riding a bike. So what if it was dark and only sixteen degrees outsides? Just drop trou, squat and let loose. And that’s what she did, too, but then the ground gave way beneath her feet, smacked her bare rear and threw her head-over-heel down a two-hundred-foot-high hill. By the time she got to the bottom she didn’t have to pee anymore, but the rosy effects from her Corona had unfortunately worn thin.

Moral of the story? When camping, bring one of those nifty spill proof urinals to pee in. (They sell them at Sears.)


Bob and his roommate Lei Lou were watching an old Roseanne episode when Bob took a swig out of a recapped beer bottle he’d fished out of the refrigerator. Instead of the cool zing he expected, a rush of pungent vinegar hit the back of his throat. He gagged, gave a yell and spit a bunch of fluid onto his thighs.

[Two weeks ago, Bob peed into a half-empty beer bottle during one of Lei Lou’s interminable showers. They only had one bathroom and with necessity being the mother of invention and all that ... well, you know. Instead of emptying the bottle, he’d left it on the counter, where Lei Lou found it later. Since it was mostly full, she’d recapped it and put it into the fridge. And the rest, as they say, is history.]

Morale of the story? Drink wine instead.

5 Did the Unhingey Jiggy Engage in Unhingenosity
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