Unpleasant surprises
Monday, October 01, 2007, 7:47 PM

Have you ever been walking behind someone, maybe swinging your arms and feeling like MC Hammer's song, U can't touch this?

Or, have you ever been pacing-stopping-and then-darting behind people, and probably panting with your mouth open wide because you're late?

Even worse, have you ever been chewing gum and walking at the same time, only you're following behind someone else?

The catch?

What I'm getting at?

Is all of the above...only this is you in one of those situations when you suddenly smell that smell and you know you've just walked into someone's fart.

On a scale from one to ten, with ten being the highest, I rate this experience at a nine. Not because I like the smell of some stranger's body gas, but because I hate the smell of someone's secondhand smoke even worse.

Farts are gross natural.

Secondhand smoke is disgusting not. It makes my nose squinch, makes me want to barf and say, "Oh, sick!"

Please, people, if you have to: fart instead of smoking.

But not while I'm behind you, comprende-vous?

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Under normal cirumstances, this is where I'd cackle and end my post, but I haven't reached 500 words yet. And so I must press on...about the smell of farts, about how walking behind people who fart is gross but natural because hey, I've done it before. It happens. I understand the problem of walking and not being able to hold in a fart at the same time. Holding in a fart necessitates squeezing your buns together. If I tried to do that while walking, I'd look like a two-legged pogo stick. However, the success rate of being able to hold in a fart is vastly improved if I'm sitting at the time. But I'm not at that age...or body impairment yet...that would necessitate riding a scooter. Toot, toot.

Hm. Have you ever been behind someone on a scooter, say at the grocery store, and walked into their fart?

I just wish the farters would diverge sharply to the right or the left. Just get out of my nose's way, ye ken? Just...dart.

Smokers, too. Especially smokers, since your choice to smoke is not mine. Actually, if smokers could just walk underground....

Of course, I'd probably pee my panties laughing at the divergers, which would likely prompt some other blogger's peeve about public panty pee-ers.

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Shoot! Not even close to 500.

Okay, farting also includes the quiet air passing kind. Those smell as bad as the lound ones do, no? So, say you're sitting somewhere and unable to move. Like in your seat at school, in the passenger seat of a car, or chained to your seat in your cage at work, and suddenly you smell that smell. And you're unable to escape. So you breathe with your hand over your nose, or through the sleeve of an Old Navy sweatshirt.

Should the offender have said, oh, excuse me, or do you think it's proper etiquette to carry on as usual and pretend you didn't fart?

I already know it's a given no sé nada (I know nothing) reins, but why is this? Is the act of farting that much more embarrassing than burping, blowing your nose, or exhaling secondhand smoke into a non-smoker's face?

Sheesh, still not close to 500 words. I'm getting sick of writing about farts.

I'm not sure where or when, but I came across this website: Facts on Farts. At the time, I think I thought that this site would come in handy some day. I had a Whoopie Cushion when I was a kid and I used to laugh myself into a runny nose at the sounds it made, so I imagine I felt all nostalgic when I first saw the site.

One of my funniest memories is of the time when my ex first farted in my presence. He was such a gentleman, and I think he thought farting in the presence of another was like picking his nose and showing his companion what color he discovered. Which has its own scent of discovery.

But it let me know he was human. And because I heard it happen and saw his face flush with embarrassment, I didn't experience the unpleasant scent stangers can leave behind. Because it's all about familarity. An unpleasant scent from the person you know is at least tolerable.
1 Did the Unhingey Jiggy Engage in Unhingenosity
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