Thinking about change
Tuesday, February 24, 2009, 6:58 PM
I look back over my Unhingey posts of the last few months...of last year...and my posture goes to hell and I sigh. I can't help but think that I am not unhinged anymore. I've had that thought more than once, too. (It hurts, in case you wonder. Do I call it quits and hate myself for giving up, or do I struggle on and stress about posting here until the stress goes away as all things do? Life has taught me that nothing and no one stays the same. Hurts and anger and fears are replaced, sometimes by good things, sometimes by other people, sometimes by other not-so-good kind of feelings.)
So who the frell am I now?
Not one of those yoink yer socks off posters, that's for sure. Which is a damn shame because I always wanted to be.
I was trying to locate a Pooky-cat post this weekend. I knew, I knew, I knew I had written the one post I was trying to locate, but finding it was like trying to poop out a watermelon. I couldn't. And then I realized that the post I thought I had written was one that I'd done on the AOL Journal.
I got so angry that I friggen cried. I have the AOL entries, but they are hidden and it would mean a repost. Which means I would want to edit because I can't read back over something I've written without wincing and rewriting. Which means I would have to relive something I really don't want to. But since when is life about what I want and expect?
And so now I have an idea about a new Pooky-boy post that is not going to leave me alone. (If you don't know who Pooky is, you can find photos of an orange kitty in the right hand sidebar. Yeah, he's a kitty. But he was also my kitty boy.) Just the thought of writing about him makes me hurt, but I know writing about him is worth it, that he's worth remembering. Still...it's going to be hard. (Wah.)
I watched the Oscars on Sunday, and you know what? I had a hellerific headache at the end of the show. I bawled about the former Oscar winners sharing their ideas with this year's new nominees (loved it! so of course it made me CRY, dammit); I bawled about Jennifer Anniston sucking it up in front of God and every-gazillion-one while Brangelina sat blinking up at her not three butt-shakes away; I bawled about Twilight's still-real, still-human, Rob Pattinson, being so awful goldarned nervous on stage (but he did better than what he predicted, yeah!); I bawled about that guy (the screen writer?) who got all mush-faced about Milk's success; I bawled about Slumdog Millionaire winning again and again (yes! no group deserved to win MORE); and I frowned and said WHAT the? about all the fugly green jewelry being worn at the Oscars. Ew, wazzup with that?
It is only by the grace of Mr. Bill and the great Googly Moogly that I am here to write this post. I pinky swear...
Okay, so maybe I am still unhinged, but I don't feel like it. I haven't for a while.... Thing is, I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. Because things change. And sometimes when things change, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Right?